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August 18, 2008
my rude encounter
I had this encounter while waiting in line for the consignment sale which I've been thinking about quite a bit over the last 24 hrs. You can't throw several moms in line together without conversation breaking out about our kids and there was a mom in front of me who had 4 boys and was talking about how she would much rather have boys than girls since girls were so whiny and could yell in shrill voices. So I said that I had 3 girls just to be able to say that it wasn't all that bad. Somehow she and I got on the subject of school and she asked where Lizzie went to kindergarten and I told her and she said, "oh we tried that school for a couple years", in a sort of put off voice. I don't know why I did it but I asked if they moved away or if something happened all the while thinking in the back of my head, am I going to be ok if she tells me something bad. So she proceeds to tell me about how it didn't feel much like a community and they would get birthday invitations from all around the city but no where near where they lived and that she didn't want to have her kids spend the night with people she didn't really know. (I was thinking here- I don't WANT tons of invitations from classmates and we WON'T let our kids spend the night with families we don't know so what else you got lady!)
She continues to ramble on about how they didn't fit in and said that the school was mostly full of rich mountain families or poor St Elmo ones and that there was no middle class. (her words NOT mine. And here is where I wish I had said that we loved the St Elmo community and hoped to move there in the next year or so. But of course it was one of those situations where you think of things after the fact.)
And this woman had diarrhea of the mouth because she kept going, giving me an example of how they just didn't fit in- "the first day in my son's class I walked in and there was this other mom and she was pregnant with an I love mother earth shirt, she didn't shave her legs, was wearing birkenstocks and she was married to a black man and I thought we'll never have them over for dinner we have nothing in common with them."
I almost fell out of line and I was kicking myself for shaving that morning because it would have been great if I had the two weeks of growth that I had that morning! So was it that mom's size, the pregnancy, or how she groomed herself that bothered her or was she just flat out prejudice? She delivered all this information with such a bitter ugly attitude I'm going to air on the side of ignorance. I still can't believe that people see color, this is shocking to me. But I started to ask myself, did I see people the same 8 yrs ago before getting involved in our church or was I just as ignorant about differences? I wish I could say a resounding YES I saw them the same, but I don't know. If someone had told me I would have 3 daughters and 1 or all 3 would date someone of a different race would I have been fine with that like I am now? I'm so thankful we are in the community we are in and that we get to worship with a very diverse group of people because I think it has changed me. Ignorance is so unfortunate. Get to know people who aren't like you, you will be so blessed for it!!
To cap off our conversation she began to tell me how the school would soon start to call monthly to ask for more money and she actually said- "I'm not going to work to pay for my kid's tuition and then pay for some other kid whose mom is just staying home. She needs to go out to get a job to pay for her own kid!" This stung a little. Man I wish I had told her that I stayed at home and that we were scholarship recipients and how thankful we were for it since we felt like it was best for me to be at home because we didn't want someone else raising our kids!!!!! My body language at this point probably got a bit rigid as I mumbled something about money being tricky because she turned her back and we didn't talk anymore. I can't lie her words are haunting me a bit, the part about a mom needing to go out and get a job to pay for her own tuition. Is it taking advantage of the system to ask for scholarship when I am not working outside the home? I do a lot of freelance from home so I bring in some income but it wouldn't be considered a full time job. Am I taking the money that another family who has two working parents and still needs help could be using?
I think at this point its best to believe that I have a sovereign God and be confident that we sought His will prayerfully in regards to Lizzie's schooling and the finances involved.
I hate situations like this, JL had suggested I could have said "this conversation is making me uncomfortable" which would have made her feel uncomfortable and maybe she would have stopped and thought about her words and she needed to. But did I have the guts to make it uncomfortable and have someone maybe not like me? It's so silly but I don't know.
I think I might be avoiding school conversations with complete strangers in the near future, especially since we're so new to the experience.
And I'm going to give up shaving and get me some birkenstocks. ;)
| By JennR | 9:01 AM
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Comments
if the main concerns are birthday parties, other peoples finances, and body hair, perhaps it's best she's moved on. and "just staying home"??? ... that says a LOT.
Posted by: bobw at August 18, 2008 10:52 AM
The thing that always surprises me about people who say such outrageous things is that their perspective is so warped that they automatically assume everyone around them obviously agrees with them. I guess when you're ignorant enough to think such thoughts, you might not be wise enough to keep them to yourself.
I'm not sure when wanting to raise your own children became viewed as detrimental to society. You're doing great Jenn, and, hello, even doing freelance is way above and beyond the call of duty!
Posted by: valerie at August 18, 2008 11:11 AM
geez....i don't know what i would have done in your situation...i think sometimes not saying anything is best, but there is always that fine line..i would think that she crossed it. it makes me sad that people still think that way. maybe she is jealous that she can't stay home with her kids....maybe that is something that she wanted to do....bitter? i don't know, but i like staying home and i wouldn't change it for anything...god watches out and provides for us and i know that when it's time for ian to start school, He will give us the right option. anyway, love ya!
Posted by: erin at August 18, 2008 12:57 PM
My history has been that God puts these people in our lives to grown us up and not to question our actions. She was a diphead who needed nothing better than to be transplanted to Eugene, Oregon near your sister.
Posted by: Nann at August 18, 2008 2:10 PM
Wow - that lady gave you a lot to think about in what I assume was a very short amount of time. Why, glancing at you, did she assume you were as prejudice as she was? When are the prejudice among us going to at least become aware of the need for discretion?
About the prejudice thing - I don't worship in a diverse church, but still feel very differently about race than I did when I was younger. Justin recently brought home his black girlfriend (eeek!! to meet the parents!! He's only 20!) and we liked her. Certainly 20 years ago, I would have been looking for a reason not to. I hope this is a maturity issue, both personally and for society as a whole.
And about the scholarship thing, the system for scholarships is there for a reason. That school could just as easily adopt the attitude that they were only going to accept applicants that could pay their full tuition. If they did not want to provide scholarships to people, they don't have to.
Besides, even with your training and experience, do you really think you could pay for full time day care for 3 kids, plus the other smaller expenses of working outside the home and still have enough left over for tuition?
Posted by: Lisa at August 18, 2008 5:37 PM
Oh Jen, you would not believe how happy that school must be to have seen the back of that lady. Although most people who choose a Christian school do so for the same reasons that you do, it is just like everywhere else that you go. There are always a couple of people who seem to find their joy in spreading misery. It is obvious from her comments that she is determined to spread her ignorance and close mindedness as far as possible. A good response to her (so easy afterwards to think of those, and so hard at the time), might have been to express sympathy for her current school/teacher. I am sure they could use it!
Posted by: Kristin at August 19, 2008 9:38 AM