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October 27, 2008
I get my hour back. . .
I have seriously neglected this blog as of late. It's mostly due to lack of sleep, so I blame the girls. :) I've also been pretty stressed lately and have written several posts in my head which never have made it onto the screen but its probably a good thing since I don't know how interested others are in my inner turmoil. And lastly I have become slightly addicted to facebook (aka the new crack) therefore am neglecting posts. I'm currently putting myself through a 12 step program to give it up a little bit and return to my normal life. Facebook is interesting to me, I feel this dynamic of an old self and new self and don't really like seeing those two worlds collide. It seems to accentuate my inability to give myself grace and too many past memories can be overwhelming for this mind and heart so I think a break is warranted.
On with the updates. . .
Caroline took her first steps on Friday night, at the mall of all places. We go there like twice a year and when she started to walk a bit I was yelling, "No don't make this memory at the mall!". LOL We were letting the girls have Dip-n-dots after a yummy Red Robin dinner and she started to take a few steps between Andy and I. She is super aggressive when she tries to walk, propelling herself from one piece of furniture to another with little care for balance or anything. Often times hitting her head or slamming down on her knees. Or she will do a sideways shuffle and end up going around in a circle, this is highly entertaining and makes me laugh every time! I promise to try to get this on video. She is also waving which looks super coordinated as well and blowing kisses! She blows kisses to her sisters when they get tucked in by sucking on her index finger and then pulling it out so it makes the smacking sound. This has to be my favorite new trick and I almost hope she doesn't learn to blow kisses correctly, at least for a while anyway.
On a more serious note she is one source of stress for me. For about two weeks now nursing has gone down hill considerably and I'm not sure why. I haven't changed what I eat and the only difference I can think of is that my fatigue has finally caught up with me and stress and exhaustion is causing me to dry up. She is over a yr and I really didn't have a goal in mind accept not to rush anything or do anything before either one of us was ready, so I sort of feel a little blind sided. I'm caught between going with it and actively weaning and wondering if I should dose up on fenugreek and fight to get it back. The reason I would consider the latter is because I am concerned about how much food and milk she is actually consuming (hence the stress). Her one yr wellness is on Wed and I am keeping a food diary for her and am hoping for some peace of mind. I know it might sound silly and I'm sure getting a perspective shift on this will be good for me but for whatever reason I can't pull myself up out of this rut of anxiety. And of course when she starts crying at 1am I think that its probably because she's hungry when I know full well the reality that she should be able to go all night regardless of what my milk is doing.
I feel so bound up by anxiety lately that I know its manifesting itself through anger and frustration and thats not an attitude I want to have especially with my family. Then its just a vicious cycle of anger and frustration and then guilt and confusion and then frustration again. I realize its so silly, but I think I might be too tired to pull myself out of it. It's like I'm swimming against the current lately.
I think maybe a no technology night with Andy might be in order so I can get some perspective on the ridiculous things running through my mind, he's so good at that. The Lord knew what he was doing when he put Andy in my life.
You know your tired when it makes your whole day to find out that we get to turn the clocks back this coming weekend!! YAY, another hour, its like a little gift from heaven. :)
I'm so excited and I certainly need it.
More interesting posts coming in the near future.
| By JennR | 1:27 PM
Comments
I used to get excited about the time change until we had kids, who don't seem to understand that they are supposed to sleep an extra hour!
That's strange about your nursing - are you still demand feeding during the day? Everyone is different and who knows - your body may be done! I always dried up when my kids were around 16 months, but some women are able to nurse for YEARS (not that I would want that!) Don't stress though! Caroline is such a HEALTHY baby - you are doing great!
Posted by: laini at October 27, 2008 2:40 PM
A friend recently turned me onto Facebook, and like you, I'm a bit addicted. I've reconnected with friends as far back as elementary school, and it's just so much fun! Maybe we can form a support group! :-)
Posted by: Tracy at October 27, 2008 6:08 PM
The "grandmother" is on facebook and it keeps me too confused. Someone asked to be my friend and it was a "hood" in high school I never talked to because I was too scared. Sure 41 years later, come be my friend!! I'm getting off that thing!! Jen, I'll be down a week from Friday so you can sleep in Saturday all day...how's that!
Posted by: Nann at October 28, 2008 11:37 AM
umm...can i bring ian over when your mom is in town, and sleep in too???? haha!! i have no comment about facebook...you know how much i am on it!
Posted by: erin at October 28, 2008 9:44 PM
Sweet cousin. I'm sorry to hear your sad and tired post. Sleep deprivation is a proven form of torture. On the lighter side, I'm sure after you get some good, uninterrupted sleep, life will look more positive and you will have the reserves you need to cope with the stress.
Caroline looks very healthy in her pics!! But I deeply understand a mother's concern for healthy growth and development... so I will be praying for the Lord to bring comfort and peace to your heart.
Hang in there.
-Patty
Posted by: Patty at October 29, 2008 4:53 PM